December 31, 2019
I miss writing. Pouring out my thoughts into a blog post. For some reason I always feel like my blog is my safe place. A place I can share my heart the most. I can share who I am with no filters, no distraction, no noise. Just me and you.
A few years ago I wrote a blog post similar to this one. I shared my accomplishments that year which seemed to be a lot. I got married, bought a condo, a jeep, traveled a lot, and started my blog, worked with brands, ran a successful gym, etc. In that post I talked about three words.
Fear – Faith – Discipline
It’s funny how accurate those words still are to this day and throughout this past year.
This year feels like I have been in a constant fight against the waves. I have been trying to get my head above the water just to catch a breath.
In 2019 we sold that condo. We got rid of that jeep. We closed our business. We moved across the country to an unfamiliar place. We left security, comfort, family and friends.
I’ve never experienced fear like I did this year. I shared that we finally moved to California, away from the cold Minnesota winters. We started online training and coaching and get to work from home.
But what I didn’t share was me falling to my knees praying for miracles every day. Praying for this place to feel like home. Praying to not be so lonely. Praying for financial security. Praying that I would let go of fear and put my trust into God. The One who brought us here.
I placed my happiness in “things”… material things, money, success, status, what others thought of me and those “things”. I didn’t think I was a person to do that, until one day when I didn’t have those things, it felt empty.
You know, my brother once told me to not have expectations on my birthday, so that when the day came and nothing special happened, I wouldn’t be disappointed.
Sounds like cold, hard truth from an older brother.
Really it’s more like don’t plan your life, when you know God has control.
The thing is, God knows our hearts. He knows our dreams and He knows what we wish for. He wants us go after our dreams, and love what we do.
Jon and I have been feeling this call to California since we met. It didn’t really make sense, we were leaving an entire life behind, yet here we are. I imagined days at the beach, hiking on a Tuesday, brunch on the patio with the sun beaming on my face. A laid back lifestyle in San Diego, less work, more life.
That’s not what I got. This place is a dream. Truly a dream. But really, it’s not what my expectations were. Because God has some lessons to teach me before He can show me all this place has to offer.
In the last 3 months, It feels like God is giving me a crash course into finding my purpose on earth, reality, finances, my identity and what it means to really turn fear into faith. In order to really understand something, to learn something, you have to be put through it. There’s no way around it. Luckily we have a God who is there for us through it all.
What I gained is far more than what I lost.
This year, I learned what fear really feels like and I learned that God is bigger than fear. He is with me even when it feels like I am alone. He has a plan for me, even when I wonder what I bring to the world. He’s not trusting me with money when I haven’t learned how to spend the money I do have. He is preparing me for what’s to come. If I stayed the same as I was in Minneapolis, I would’t be able to fulfill my purpose here in California.
The thing is, God has provided every step of the way. He has never let us fall, He’s been there to remind us over and over again just how faithful He is. This year I have pressed into God more than ever before. I have pushed, prayed, thanked, and cried out to Him. In times of despair, in complete heart ache, and loneliness, that’s when I needed Him the most.
And He’s always there. Waiting for me to give in.
I’m not going to share my worldly accomplishments with you this year.
Because this year changed me. This year humbled me, I fell down hard, and picked myself back up over and over and over again. I fell into dark places, wanting to give up, and didn’t. Because man, life can get heavy. I have compared my success to others, and was reminded my true purpose in life, which is to share who God is. I have been left feeling alone, lost, confused, insecure, and angry, only to be completely overcome with gratitude, hope, trust, and love and reminded that I am never alone.
Only He can set us free.
This year, God has chased me and I gave in to Him. I have felt His love more than ever before. Because I received it. He has been so good to me. I have let Him lead me into what He has for my life, even though it felt like I was drowning, I was never forgotten about, I was never alone, I was never without His love for me.
In October my brother Nathan, Jon and myself packed up what we could fit in U-Haul boxes and went on a road trip to California.
On the way we stopped in a few places, the first being Wyoming. I was feeling a little sad, I wasn’t ready to take off just yet. We had spent a few days with family and I knew it would be the last time I’d see them for awhile. We had just left our condo, our gym and our safe place and it all felt like too much at once. I was feeling really empty.
About 3 hours out of Wyoming, I received an evil message on Instagram. Like, straight from the devil. From a made up profile, someone trying to hide who they were. It couldn’t have been worse timing. Although nothing in the message was true, it definitely was the most evil things ever said to me. I deleted it, kept it to myself and tried to forget about it.
When we arrived in Wyoming, we stayed at a lady named Patty’s house. My brother connected with her through the church when he had to stay in Wyoming for school. So we were excited to meet this Patty that we had heard so much about. Imagine the nicest, warmest, shortest Grandma in the world. That’s Patty.
We arrived around dinner, so naturally Patty had a warm meal waiting for us. She also invited a neighbor family over to join.
There were 8 of us around a table in Wyoming at Patty’s house. A place I have never been, with people I have never met.
We were tired from our full day of travel, and my heart was a little bruised from the message I received earlier. I did my best to make small talk, to answer all the questions as to why we were moving to California, what we were planning on doing next, and so on.
Dessert made its way to the table. Of course, it was pie. That’s so Patty to make an entire pie just for us.
As we were finishing our dessert, I noticed the boy across the table staring at me. The kind of stare where you immediately start wiping your face, looking at your shirt to see how much pie you just dropped and think,
“can I help you?”
He’s a boy my age, I had just met him that night. He is the son of Patty’s friend. Of course Patty would have a friend, who has a son, who was about to blow my mind and make me cry in front of all these strangers I just met one hour prior.
With no context, no hesitation, he looked me in the eyes and said,
“have you ever thought of starting a clothing line?”
My heart sank to my stomach. I could not believe what I just heard. I turned to Jon with confusing written on face. The look of,
“did you tell him that?”
Instead, speechless and shocked. I started crying and might have muttered the words,
“how do you know that?”
I just want you to know that I don’t know this person. In fact, I haven’t used his name yet in this story, because I don’t remember his name.
I turned to familiar faces, Jon who said with certainty,
“prophecy” and Nathan, who whispered,
The boy sitting across from me said he asked God what my story was, (in his head of course). maybe he could feel the loss and hurt I was experiencing. I guess I don’t hide it so well after all. He listened in silence as we were talking, He looked at the necklace I was wearing and heard the word, design.
He could feel God telling him something about me, and he needed to say it.
Then in his heart, he heard ‘clothing line’. So instead of keeping that to himself, he stopped whatever conversation we were having before that and asked,
“have you ever thought of starting a clothing line?”
As tears were pouring down my face, I found the courage to say, “yes, I have. It’s been on my heart for years but I keep pushing it back, it feels like an impossible goal, just something I have thought about. I’ve only shared that with a few close friends.”
Explain to me how a boy in Wyoming, who has no social media, no prior knowledge of my existence knows one of my biggest secrets, and dreams.
He then told me that God just wants me to be confident in that, and to go after what I dream of. And to trust that it will be alright. That I’m in the right place and just be confident.
God knows our dreams and to me that was Him letting me know that it was going to be alright, the loss I felt was nothing compared to all He has in store for me.
What happened next?
I cried even more, strangers joined me in that crying because the Holy Spirit was there, that’s what happened next.
The point is, I hope you know that God loves you, too. He wants to show you His love, and all that He has planned for you. He will never stop pursuing you. Whenever you’re ready, He’ll always be there to remind you of who you are and the future he has for you.
To those of you who stuck around when I moved to Cali, when it felt like everyone else left, thank you.
This was one of the best years of my life, because I found peace. I found hope and I drew closer to the One who will never leave me.
LIFE IS GOOD. I am stronger because of what I’ve been through and I am ready for what this year has to offer because I have full trust in what ever that is.
The past 12 months have taught me that I’m not done yet. So cheers to another year of learning, growing and believing.
All my love,